


Hamlet - a comedic reimagination

by blue_scribbles



Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare, SHAKESPEARE William - Works
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crack, M/M, Shakespearean Sonnets, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Stage Play, Stage Script, Tragedy/Comedy, and a ghost, overly dramatic gay people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:15:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22266238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_scribbles/pseuds/blue_scribbles
Summary: The King of Denmark is dead (or as dead as he can be) and his brother Claudius has taken the throne, now it is up to Hamlet to take revenge on his father's murderer. A path that leads him through tragedy, trauma and Horatio's bedroom.orA Crack version of Shakespeares Hamlet with just a minimum of shakespearean english and heterosexuals. You have been warned.
Relationships: Claudius/Gertrude (Hamlet), Hamlet/Horatio (Hamlet)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 29





	Hamlet - a comedic reimagination

**Author's Note:**

  * For [InoruMarufuji](https://archiveofourown.org/users/InoruMarufuji/gifts), [Trine and Alex](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Trine+and+Alex).



> /co-authored by InoruMarufuji and our friends Trine and Alex (who don't have an ao3)/
> 
> First and foremost I want to apologize to everyone who might stumble upon this. This was a just for fun project we did in *english class* (And it being an actual task, so keep that in mind), naturally we lacked time to perfect this masterpiece of classic literature and had to cut it short to be performed in five to ten minutes, therefore this does not represent the skilllevel of any co-author mentioned, thank you very much. 
> 
> To give a bit more context the four of us all elected english advanced in highschool, at the end of the year we had some time over for fun projects, so our group chose to rewrite the play, having the plot's summary, plus a few quotes/characters and props we had to include. I think it's safe to say none of us had ever actually read the play, nor did we get any context for the quotes we had to include. But one thing we firmly wanted to establish was that Horatio and Hamlet were hella gay for each other, so here we are now, enjoy.

**Scene 1:**

_ Hamlet's wandering around the castle, halting to stare out the window, through which falls the soft silver glow of the moon, cracking on his features, his gaze is dreamy and heavy with thought. He's writing a letter, quoting from it, weighing the words carefully on his tongue. _

__

Hamlet:“Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks// but bears it out even to the edge of doom// If this be...“

_ *A ghost appears, interrupting him* _

__

H _ :*exasperated* “ _ Excuse me, can I help you? I'm trying to write here.“

Ghost:“To be or not to be, that is the question!“

H: _ *disappointed but not surprised*  _ “Oh hi dad. So you're even drunk after you died, nice!“

G: _ *dramatically*  _ “Something is rotten in the state of Denmark!“

H:“Dad, are you coming up with conspiracy theories again?“  _ *turns to leave* _

G:“No wait hear me out!“  _ *composes himself again*  _ “I was murdered! And you won't believe this, by my brother!“

H:“Are you sure about that? That doesn't sound like something Claudius would do.“

G:“Yes, this time it's true!“

H:“But you do remember that one time you thought mom had poisoned you, just because she gave you an apple?“

G:“Like I said, it's different now!“

H:“Or two months ago when you were completely wasted and cried about how much you missed me while I was sitting right next to you...“  _ *Visibly taking a breath to give another example* _

__

G:“Just listen to me! I was murdered, by Claudius, I saw it with my own eyes.“

H:“But can you prove that?“

G _ :*stuttering*  _ “Listen here you little shit, I've been dead for two months, which means I've been sober for just as long and it's hell and I will make your life hell too if you don't fulfill my last wish and revenge me.“

_ *The ghost vanishes, Hamlet makes his way to Horatio's rooms* _

__

H: _ *mutters under his breath*  _ “Spend summer break with your family they said, it will be fun they said. I should have just stayed at college. God fucking damn it.“

**Scene 2:**

_ Hamlet storms into Horatio's room. Spreading his arms wide to push the heavy wooden door against the wall, giving his entrance a dramatic flair. _

__

H: _ *dramatically* _ “Horatio!“

Horatio: _ *turns around equally dramatically* _ “Hamlet!“

H: _ *closes the space between them and takes his hands* _ “I need your help!“

HO:“You know I am always here for you.“

H:“Do you remember my father?“

HO:“How could anybody not remember that guy?!“

H:“I just met his ghost and he told me he was actually murdered. By my own uncle, can you believe this?!“

HO:“Yeah that sounds like something your father would say but did he have proof?“

H:“That's what I need you for.“

HO _ :*looking at him seductively*  _ “Well, what would be my reward, if I decide to help you?“

H: _ *returns his gaze, opting for full on eye-sex*  _ “Oh don't you worry about that, but for now have this.“

_ *tucks his love poem in Horatio's hands before hesitantly letting go and leaving* _

__

**Scene 3:**

_ Hamlet, Claudius, Gertrude and Ophelia are sitting at the dinner table _

__

Claudius: _ *Leans over to Gertrude* _ “Frailty, thy name is woman but I can hold thee in my strong arms.“  _ *winks* _

__

G: _ *pushes him away*“ _ Ah! Ophelia have you noticed that Hamlet's been working out recently? _ “ _

__

H:“Mom please I haven't left my room in the past five days.“

C: _ *playing with Gertrude's hair* _ “I would compare thee to a summer's day.“

G: _ *swats his hand away* _ “But only because he's been writing such lovely poems.“

Ophelia:“Oh really? I never received any.“

H:“That's probably because they're not for you.“

O:“Then who are they possibly for? I thought  _ I'm _ supposed to be your mistress.“

G:“And you are my dear. It's just that you have to understand, after the death of my dear husband, Hamlet's been having a really tough time. So excuse his reluctance to pay addresses to such a delicate lady like yourself.“

H _ :*sarcastically* “ _ My mistress now?! If you say so than sure, I have a poem for you.“

_ *stands up* _

“My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;// Coral is far more red, than her lips red;// If snow be white then why her breasts are dun;// If hair be wires, black wires grow on her head.// By heavens my love is rare,// And yet she believes I'd fall for her.“  _ *bows exaggeratedly* _

__

_ *Ophelia jumps from her chair, tears in her eyes, storming out of the dining room, her wailing can be heard outside.* _

__

G:“That's not how you treat a woman!“

C:“I can treat you to whatever you want.“  _ *grins at her lewdly* _

__

_ *Gertrude rolls her eyes and sighs loudly before getting up herself going after Ophelia* _

__

**Scene 4:**

_ Claudius and Hamlet are now left alone at the dinner table, the tension is tangible between them. _

__

H:“I see uncle, you like your steak bloody. Some people would kill to be in your place now.“

C:“I'd really like to eat my bloody steak then, instead of dealing with your teenage antics again.“

H:“Yeah sure but be careful not to get any blood on your hands. Or clothes for that matter. I've heard it's hard to wash off.“

C _ :*catches on to Hamlet's implications and mimics his tone*“ _ Don't worry, I won't get my hands dirty over a small slice of meat.“

H:“It seems you already have. Your collar is stained.“

C:“You're mad with grief for your father, Hamlet. It would do you good to eat for a change.“

H: _ *Gets up suddenly*  _ “How can I eat, when you're spoiling my dinner with those foul lies!“

C: _ *looks up at him in false concern* _ “You're talking nonsense, are you sure you don't have a fever? Maybe we should call you a doctor.“

H _ :*hysterically* “ _ No need to, I've never been better! But what about you? Your face has gone red. What's the matter?!“

C: _ *stands up and turns his back on Hamlet trying to hide his guilt* _ “It's nothing, a mere headache.“

H: _ *turns him back around violently, corners him*  _ “Must be from wearing that heavy crown all day. It's a real burden huh? Cuts into your head quite a bit, doesn't it?“

C:“Excuse me, I think I've had enough of you for the day. I need to rest for a while.“  _ *pushes away from him, intending to leave* _

__

H:“Hang on just a minute!“  _ *grabs his sleeve*  _ “Has this spot been there before? I'm sure you didn't get it while eating, it's all dry already. Say have you been killing anyone recently? Like, for example, my father?“

C: _ *is frozen in shock, stuttering* _ “Well, I... This is not... I mean-“

_ *Claudius storms off* _

__

**Scene 5:**

_ Hamlet is hurrying through the corridors, searching for his mother's rooms, visibly distressed. _

__

H:“Mother!“

_ *Laertes holds him back roughly* _

__

Laertes:“Stand still you heartless fool! And face the tragedy your ignorance has brought upon my family! My tender sister drowned herself on your watch, blinded by her innocent yearning for your love. For this you shall atone! It is time for a d-d-d-duel!“

**Scene 6:**

_ It is the day of the duel, Gertrude and Claudius are sitting to the side, watching the fight play out. Hamlet and Laertes are facing each other, swords drawn. _

__

L:“My moment of revenge has come!“

H:“And so has mine, don't you think you can kill a man with unfinished business!“

_ *they duel until Laertes strikes Hamlet's side, he hisses in pain.* _

__

L: _ *victoriously* _ “Gotcha finally, your business can't be that important after all!“

H: _ *steadies himself* _ “Just a scratch, I assure you. Now let's get this over with.“

L:“Ha! Jokes on you! My blade is poisoned!“

_ *he licks the blood off the sword with a crazy glint in his eyes until realization kicks in* _

“Oh fuck...“  _ *dies* _

G:“A poisoned blade? Isn't that against the rules, Claudius?!“  _ *a pause Gertrude reaches for a goblet with wine, bringing it to her lips* _ “I wonder what else has been poisoned...“  _ *she takes a sip from the wine and promptly dies* _

H: _ *stands up, legs heavy and his sword is loosely hanging at his side. The exhaustion is visible on his face and it's obvious that his time is running out*  _ “Now to you, dear uncle, seems like I will get my revenge after all.(I have to, it's the only thing I have left.)“  _ *he stabs Claudius* _

C: _ *tries to speak but is silenced by Hamlet's vicious grip* _

H:“Shh! Speak not, for your tongue will only spill lies, keep your dignity and reap what you sowed. And the rest is silence!“  _ *kills Claudius with broad and dramatic motions* _

**Scene 7:**

_ Hamlet is dragging himself desperately to Horatio _

__

H:“Horatio! Horatio, where are you?!“

HO: _ *spots him and hurries over* _ “Hamlet! Are you okay? What happened?“  _ *He holds Hamlet, accidentally brushing over the bloody stab wound*  _ “You... You're bleeding!“  _ *looks around*  _ “Help! Someone! We need a doctor!“

H: _ *carefully turns Horatio's head back to face him*  _ “It's too late. It will only be a matter of time... But hear me out Horatio, I've did it, I revenged my father!“

HO: _ *leans into the touch and holds his hand*  _ “But, Hamlet, at what cost?“

H:“If I can lay myself to rest in your arms, then death will be no threat to me.“

HO:“But what about me? Didn't you say that we'd stay together forever?“

H:“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. I hope they are in our favour and let us meet again.“

HO: _ *he's holding back tears, his voice wavers and breaks*  _ “They are, I know they are because ´love alters not with his brief hours and weeks// but bears it out even to the edge of doom.“

H: _ *tears slip out of the corner of his eyes*  _ “I see you've read my letter. So promise me before I'll have to leave that you'll bear it out, even when I'm gone.“

HO:“I promise. Even to the edge of doom.“

_ *Hamlet dies, Horatio holds on to him, bowing his head and sobbing* _


End file.
